She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
