A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
