I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
