as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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