The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
