3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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