Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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