I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
