he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
