I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Boobs speak an international language.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
