Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
