I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
