i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize