yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
