Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
