Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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