Apparently you make a good broom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
