What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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