this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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