Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
