GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
