I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
