Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
