Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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