i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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