Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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