I think I died a long time ago.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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