4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
