are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
