It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
