we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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