yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
