Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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