I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
