Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
