Kiss
Puke
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
