Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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