You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
