I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
