my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
