Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
