The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
