just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
