Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
