How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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