I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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