Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
