Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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