So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
