based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
