so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
