So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
