When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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